We all want to fall in love and live happily ever after. But what happens when our prince or princess turns in a beast? Navoo Hengari works for anti-domestic violence organisation War on Rape in Botswana and she gave us the low down on Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) which has been shown to be a key driver of the HIV/AIDS pandemic.

Before we talk about what happens when things go wrong, let's remember that every relationship we get into should enhance our lives. Relationships are meant to be good for us. They should benefit us physically, emotionally and spiritually and they do when both people respect themselves and each other and make an effort and a positive contribution to the relationship. But sometimes, even when we try and give everything we've got, our dream relationship can turn into a nightmare. If this happens, it's time to get out and get help.

What is Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)?

It is any form of abuse that occurs between two people in a close or intimate relationship, such as between a girlfriend and boyfriend or between a
couple living together. Most victims of IPV are women who suffer abuse at the hands of their male partners. IPV might start with a slight physical push or shove, followed by an apology and often a shower of gifts where the abuser tries to “make up” for the pain caused, and promises never to do it again. The
abuser often also tries to shift guilt onto the victim, saying things like, “Look what you made me do!” This kind of behaviour grows into ongoing abuse, which could include beating, kicking, throttling and in some cases use of weapons.

Are there different types of IPV?

There are three main types of Intimate Partner Violence – often these occur together.

Emotional abuse
This includes:
> Threats - threatening to harm the partner, their loved ones or their property.
> Manipulation and blackmailing. An example of this is if the victim tries to get out of the relationship the abuser may threaten to harm the victim or themselves, for example by threatening to commit suicide.
> Isolation from friends and family
> Dominating and controlling behaviour
> Insults and ‘shooting down' the victim's self worth. An abuser may start by telling his partner that she is too fat/ skinny/dark/pale and so ugly that he's only still with her out of pity or as a favour. This obviously affects the victim's self-worth and she either tries to work hard to ‘measure up' to the abuser's expectations or gives in to feelings of worthlessness. Victims of IPV often blame themselves for everything that goes wrong within a relationship.
> Economic deprivation. This often takes place when the abusive partner is the one that has more money and material things than the abused. The abuser may threaten to withhold certain privileges from the victim if they do not do what the abuser wants.

Physical abuse
This involves inflicting pain on the victim's body such as by slapping, punching, lashing, burning, kicking, and hitting or throwing objects at them. Again the abuser might often make the victim feel that they deserved it or asked for it with their actions even though this may not be the case.

Sexual abuse / sexual violence
This involves having sex with a partner against their will, and without their consent. This includes the use of objects on a partner's private parts without their permission for sexual gratification.

Why do people commit IPV or let it happen to them?

Insecurity and excessive jealousy on the part of the abuser -
Most controlling and manipulative behaviour has jealously as a root. This can lead to paranoid behaviour where an abusive partner misinterprets the other partner's actions and constantly wants to know their whereabouts.

Ignorance of the law - Some people are not even aware that what is happening to them is abusive and that the abuser can be legally punished. These are mostly those who grow up in remote rural areas dominated by traditional cultures and customary law.

Having witnessed violence - It is possible that a male child who had witnessed their father abusing their mother could grow up to think this is acceptable. Other men might end up abusing their female partners as a reaction to their mother's violent behaviour towards the children or their father. The same could apply to female children who grow up to abuse their partners.

Cultural influences such as where women are thought of as subjects or the property of their husbands or male partners can lead to IPV. Due to these cultural influences, some women suffer in silence out of shame and fear.

Is your partner violent? What to do:

The first step is to admit that your life and mental health are at risk - you need help.

Get counselling and any other possible emotional support.

Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and family members.

Report any abusive incident immediately and consider applying for a protection or restraining order. Speak to someone you trust that can help you have the courage to do this.

Even the abuser needs professional psychological intervention. Don't try to be their saviour though, or think there is anything you can do to change their abusive behaviour. Get help for yourself and let them get their own help. Our cultures often don't encourage us to talk openly about intimate relationships, especially when there are problems. This makes it difficult to ask for help and is one of the main reasons most victims of IPV suffer in silence. However it is important that you get help as soon as possible.

"I suffered physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my husband and eventually had the courage to leave. I know many women stay in these relationships and never go for help though - my sister was one of them. I know there is help and that there are people to help if only we reach out to them. I never believed that the abuse was my fault and there was a time that I tried to get my husband to go and see a counselor with me but even though he agreed to he always chickened out at the last minute. In the end I grabbed the opportunity to get away one day after a particularly violent episode, but only after he'd broken my cheekbone. I knew that getting away from him as far as possible was the only solution." Sylvia Brooks, Teacher

 

TALK GROUP DISCUSSION: Breaking the Silence!
1: How does the problem of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) affect us and our community?
2: What are the root causes of IPV in our community?
3: How can we, as young people
- reduce the amount of IPV among youth in our community
- support each other to get out of relationships where IPV is happening
- support each other to overcome the trauma of IPV?
4: Where can victims of IPV go for help in our community?