Dear Sis Lu,

My boyfriend and I agreed not to have sex because I believe in saving sex for marriage. At first this was not a problem, but as time passed he began to pressure me into sleeping with him. Because I've set boundaries for myself I've been able to stick to my decision so far and I haven't given in, but now things are getting really difficult. My boyfriend has started having sexual relationships with other girls - he says he loves me but as a guy he has needs and I do not satisfy these needs, so he is seeing other people.

I love my boyfriend and I don't want loose him. Do I give in and sleep with him to save our relationship or do I let go? If I am not worth the wait then maybe he is not worth it? I don't know what to do. HELP!

In love and Confused

Dear In love and Confused,

Oh girl, I can see you're feeling very upset and confused, which is totally normal! Let's see if breaking down this problem helps. In any relationship, a key ingredient to growing in love and care for one another is learning about the other person's likes and dislikes, beliefs, values and norms. Obviously, some amount of compromise is a part of any healthy relationship as we're not all the same and don't all like the same things. But when compromising means doing something which you feel goes against your values and beliefs, it's time to ask whether the person asking you to make this compromise really loves and respects you. If your boyfriend's behaviour affects you as much as it seems to, you are not helping him to grow, or giving the relationship the opportunity to be honest and genuine if you keep quiet and don't let him know how you feel. Sit down and talk to him about how his pressurizing you for sex and then having others on the side is affecting you.

"When I was 17 I made my girlfriend pregnant. When I was 18 I made a decision to abstain from sex as I decided that although I had been sexually active in the past, from then on I wanted to save sex for a permanent marriage relationship. I am now 33 And I have had relationships but have kept to this decision and am not yet married but still look forward to an amazing marriage in my future. I'm healthy, my hair hasn't fallen out and my head has not exploded from not having sex. It is possible to be a real man and be in control of your sexual urges." Luyanda Zweni, IT Manager

Respect is another key ingredient to a healthy relationship – respecting yourself and your partner. As a loving partner your boyfriend should respect you enough not to pressure you into anything to which you are not ready to commit. If your boyfriend has other sexual relationships then he's not being faithful to you.

Do you want to commit to an unfaithful relationship?

It's often really hard to do what you think is right and what invests in your future. It can be really difficult saying no to sex, even when you believe you want to wait for marriage. On the one hand your mind might be saying wait and your heart and body might be confused because you're attracted to your boyfriend and think sex might keep him around. It's important to try and keep a clear head and remind yourself why waiting is important to you. To help yourself stick to your decision, have a very clear idea of the boundaries you'd like to have in place and communicate these clearly. Also try and not get yourself into situations where it would be difficult to say no.

When considering whether or not you should start having sex with your boyfriend, you also need to think about all the risks of being sexually active. Your boyfriend has multiple partners and this puts him at high risk of HIV infection. You don't know whether he uses a condom every time he has sex with his other partners, so you might have waited all these years to contract HIV or another sexually transmitted infection (STI)! Sex is a big step for a relationship and can introduce a whole lot of complications like STIs and teen pregnancy. If you decide to start having sex, go and get tested for HIV with your partner, make sure you know each other's status and always use a condom correctly every time. Don't risk your life for romance!

Remember, you're a great girl and you're worth the very best. If your boyfriend doesn't think you're worth the wait, maybe he's not worth the effort! Good luck!

Sis Lu :)

TALK GROUP DISCUSSION: The Waiting Game
1: What do you think was the most helpful piece of advice from Sis Lu?
2: Is there anything else you'd want to say to In-love-and-confused?